It’s Been Awhile April 5, 2009

“Real life” just isn’t as inspiring as my backpacking life. I just don’t feel that same way about it. The passion and excitement of wanting to share my adventures with the world isn’t the same. I mean my romantic life is stable (I’m with George-the man of my dreams, the man that encouraged and inspired my travels), the other man in my life is not actually a man (hey they vet and the shelter both said my purring beast was a he…but I love her just the same) and I’m not really doing any traveling which kind of negates the main point of this blog.

However, this evening I was reminiscing about last year. I mean, here I am, a little over a year since I created this blog. I’ve done so much, seen so much and experience so much. I’ve grown and changed and have become a person I like and a person I want to be.  A year ago, I was heartbroken, wanting nothing more than to escape those feelings. A year ago, I was wounded, desperately clinging to some idea that George might actually want me to stay, that he might want to be with me. A year ago, I was in love and grieving. A year ago, I just needed to escape so that I could deal with emotions from the past and at the time, the present, that I had buried.

Now, I’m happy and confident. I have a fantastic job and I am with the love of my life. And we’re happy. We make each other happy. And while he hasn’t said those three words that I would love to hear more than anything in this world, I’m not really worried about it. His actions speak volumes and it’s hard for him and I get that. I’ve learned that he needs to take things in his own time and while it was hard at first, I’m finally able to do that. Not that I want to make it seem like I’m rushing into things but there is a possibility that we may be moving in together in the fall. Providing, of course, that he can let go of his past relationship experiences with that and feel that we are different.

Oh right, I promised to tell you all about Barcelona. Well, I went to visit Melanie, who now lives there. While the weather was cool, the vino was cheap and it was an incredible way to relax and let go. I ventured into the mountains, chilled on la playa and man did we walk. Everywhere. I don’t think I even walked that much while I was backpacking. Go me?

A New Man December 31, 2008

A have a new man in my life. Don’t worry, George and I are still together and having a wonderful time.

This new addition comes in the furry variety, a four month old brown tabby that I adopted from a shelter on Sunday. And what a handsome, sweet thing he is -except for this morning when he was going for a thread and ended up drawing some blood from my arm. But it’s not his fault, he was just playing, my arm got in the way…and it’s actually only the second scratch I’ve gotten.

I think they forgot to install a muffler on this little guy because he sure can purr loud. My little munchkin loves to cuddle beside my head at night and has discovered he can meow and is taking full advanage of me not understanding what each meow means and has me running to see if he’s alright. Now, if this was a human child, I’d just tell it to shut the hell up but I don’t speak cat, hence why the kitten wins.

I hope all of my two regular readers have a fabulous New Year!

I’ll update you all on my upcoming trip to Spain.

The Much Needed Update December 21, 2008

Seven day work weeks were keeping this non-backpacking backpacker pretty busy these past few months and a new full time job and a new relationship have consumed the remainder of it so I do apologize for not updating as often as I’d like. On the bright side, there’s only about two regular readers so it’s not like I’m depriving a collection of people their dose of me.

Part of this entry was written since my last entry and I’m too lazy to correct the tenses. So I’ll guesstimate when I wrote it.

 

First weekend of November:

Things with Jason didn’t work out quite the way I wanted and I’ll get to the reasons for that in a moment. I’ve kind of been living in this bizarre world the last few weeks, doing things I typically wouldn’t such as dating four guys. That isn’t me but somehow it became me.

The night of my second date with one of the prospects, I stopped by George’s to drop off my stuff. I was planning on crashing on his couch because sleeping in his bed after a date would be weird. He offered me a drink as it was still early and as I was sitting on his couch, he told me he didn’t want me dating other people. That he wanted me for himself. I was so torn. Here I was, I had met a great guy that I had fun with, there were possibilities that Jason and I might rekindle things and George was telling me something that I had wanted to hear. Maybe not in the exact words I wanted to hear them in but he wanted me. He finally told me he wanted me. Not as a full-time girlfriend, the term turns him off but what else do you call a exclusive, monogamous relationship?

I went on my date and I ruined it myself. I didn’t mean to but I did. I returned to George’s place where he and I cuddled and fucked. I woke up the next day feeling loved.

The next week, George and I hung out and I was looking forward to the date George had planned for me. I wore a fantastic outfit, even bought a garter belt and thigh high stockings because I know how much George loves them. We had a fanastic evening of sushi and bars. 

 

Alright, I hadn’t written that much, proof that my life has been kind of hectic. So here’s my best recollection of the past two months or so..

After the date with George was Halloween where I dressed as an awesome 80’s chick a la Flashdance. We had a gathering at George’s place and I, in my typical at home fashion, drank and passed out at 10:30. But I did wake up at 2:30 when everyone got back from the bar and continued the party. Go me!

I didn’t have the heart to cancel my date with Jason as he seemed so excited about it but I decided not to tell George that I was going. I didn’t think he’d understand that I needed time to tell Jason that it wasn’t going to work between us. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but Jason is in the military and has debated going overseas since I first started seeing him in early 2005.  Since my return, he had been indicating that he was going to go over and serve late next year. This greatly affected the prospect of us trying again as I could do it the first time not really knowing what I was getting into but a second time knowing what it’s like to be “dating the army” was getting to become out of the question.

As we were waiting for our table, I received a text message from George basically saying “Enjoy your date and thanks for lying”. I tried desparately to rach George but he refused to take my call, only texting me twice to convey how upset he was. So that night over a dinner of venison and steak, I told Jason that it wasn’t going to work and I couldn’t handle doing it all over again. I made my choice and it broke my heart into a million pieces because I hurt two people I cared about and loved. I left the evening early and made my way up to George’s place hoping that I could actually talk to him. To my surprise, he answered the door and talked to me. That move is the only reason why he continued talking to me. Jason, however, refused to speak to me ever again.

George and I try and see eachother around two days a week, made more difficult these past few weeks by hectic schedules and both of us getting sick. But things seem to be going really well. I mean, he’s moody, stubborn and scared and I’m just trying to give him the space he needs so this relationship can work. I’m head over heels and terrified because I finally have what I’ve been wanting for the past year or so.

As for work, I have an awesome new job at a software company making some decent coin but there goes my backpacking for quite awhile. Though on the bright side, I’m heading to Barcelona next month for a nice 8 day trip, not as long as I’m accustomed to but it will have to suffice.

The Nicest Thing November 4, 2008

All I know is that you’re so nice,
You’re the nicest thing I’ve seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn’t figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you’d hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you’d never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
‘Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn’t eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you’re the nicest thing I’ve ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something

All Things Considered October 12, 2008

After glacing through previous entries, it has occured to me that I’ve never really discussed my ex Jason that much. I have my reasons for it but today I’m saying “To hell with it”.

Jason and started dating in March of 2006. He was seventeen and I was twenty. We had met through mutual friends and the internet. It sounds weird I know. We were both members of a forum board and we were regulars there. We both ended up attending a hockey game that was thrown together and that’s how we met. It was an instant attraction and we clicked right off the bat. We became that couple that could always be found together though it was usually due to us having mutual friends. We lived two hours apart by transit and always made an effort to see eachother.

After about two months together, I ended up moving out west for a job. During that time we stayed together, talking as often as we could. We seemed to have a knack for the long distance thing, something that is usually the death of most relationships. Four months into the long distance relationship, I flew home for a visit and brought Jason back with me to see where I was living.

I finally had enough of the isolation of living in the mountains at the six month mark. The pregnancy scare I had after Jason had left got me missnig home, my family and being with him. As quickly as I got home, Jason shipped out east for some of his military training. Another sex weeks apart.

We then spent the next months from December to June being together. A happy couple that loved to go out and have fun. He loved my family and they loved him. His family loved me and I loved them. It was every couples dream. I got a job in the city which led to getting an apartment in the city. I was only twenty minutes from Jason by transit and I thought that if anything it would make our relationship even better. 

Unfortunatley I was wrong. Jason began pulling away. Suddenly, seeing me two days a week became difficult for him. He was decidedly busy with friends and the army. With the summer came more military training and family vacations to the cottage. The time he was home he spent with his friends, who as even he admitted, were a poor influence on him. One of his friends in particular did not like me for whatever reason and made it his mission to tell Jason that I was a controlling bitch because I wanted to see him two days a week.

As summer began to wind down, I was having serious doubts about the relationship. Try as I may, I could not get Jason to realize that we had a problem with our relationship. He refused to take us seriously and it was hurting me. We were constantly fighting and I just didn’t have any fight left in me. I had my house warming coming up and decided to refocus my energies into that.

That’s when the relationship died. The day before the housewarming, my girlfriend called to tell me she was sick and unable to help with the shopping and the food. So I did what anyone would do, I called Jason. I asked him if he would be able to help me with the groceries as I was carless and food for fourty people is a lot to carry. His response was “Why do you always call me when things go wrong?”. I told him not to worry about it and that I would find a way to get the food. Enter George to save the day. I later called Jason to ask what time he would be showing up. He asked me what time the party began, I told him and he said that he’d be there when it started.

He showed up an hour and a half late. Then, even among our friends and people that he knew, he clung to me the entire time. I was playing hostess and being suffocated by someone who has never had a problem in social situations.  Around nine, I asked Jason if he was staying the night, assuming that he was. He informed me that him and his friends had made plans earlier in the week to go to Buffalo and he had forgotten about them. I reminded him that he had known about my party for a month and a half. He told me that he couldn’t cancel on the guys. I didn’t pursue the matter. I was hurt but decided that I wasn’t going to let it ruin my night. An hour later, Jason tells me that he’s heading home. More than hurt, I said goodbye. That was the last straw for me. That party was really important to me and he knew that.

Fast foward to present day. Jason and I are friends. We managed to ride out what most former couples fail at. It was hard for both of us. I still loved him when we ended it and I still do.

Last night I received a text message from Jason. He and I have hung out a few times since my return. Friday night I was in his neighbourhood and had given him a call. He told me to stop by and have a few with him and the guys. I headed over and ended up spending the evening talking to his mom and sisters which was awesome. I missed them.

Jason’s message said “We need to talk, soon.” Fearing the worst I called him to find out what was going on. We then proceeded to have a two hour conversation. He told me that he can’t handle having me as a friend. He told me that he was an idiot, that he took me for granted. He wanted another chance. The time we spent together recently had stirred up a lot of those old emotions for me as well. I had thought about it but didn’t see him wanting to try it again. And after everything with George I thought it might be best to explore new options instead.

I told Jason that the best I could do was give him the same chance I’m giving the strangers I’m going on dates with. We could try an actual date and see what happens from there. Maybe we’ll realize that we had a good run and should leave things as is, that we’re better as friends. Maybe it’ll work itself out and we’ll get back together. Who knows?